New Zealand: ETA October 15th

Well, the travel plans are set – in stone. The trip is paid for, sort of. I’m headed to New Zealand. Wanna go? Or… will you be there?


I have a boatload of homework, so many questions to answer, so many decisions to make. Below are the major issues that I need to address:

  1. Is there Internet access in New Zealand? Come on man. VP Gore invented the Internet. Who knows if his invention made it all the way to New Zealand.
  2. Will my GPS work in New Zealand? Hey, it’s an honest question. GPS coverage is ‘spotty’ in Antarctica – so I hear.
  3. Is it meter or metre?
  4. I know I won’t be ‘Down Under’, but I’ll be upside down, so will I get a major head rush?
  5. I’ll lose a day when I cross the International Date Line. Is this the ‘time warp’ that freaks refer to as the space-time continuum?
  6. Will I have a hard time finding Budweiser in New Zealand? I prefer Schlitz, but I can live on Budweiser. (Just a joke. Or is it?)
  7. If I see a Foxy Mama in New Zealand, what do I do? Should I yell, “Yo, Foxy Mama!” or is there a New Zealand term that I should use? I don’t really want to give myself away as a ‘cowboy’ from New Mexico, do I? Maybe I do.
  8. What is the probability that I will be attacked by King Kong? Come on, it’s a serious question. A run in with King Kong could (will) ruin my trip. Hey, I know the difference between reality and fiction? The Lord of the Rings is fiction, obviously. King Kong? Totally real.
King Kong is scary. Right?
Ok, Ok. I’m just joking. I do have some serious questions that I must answer before I arrive in New Zealand.
  1. I ride with my Stans Flow / Schwalbe Racing Ralphs at 40 psi. What the hell does this equate to in kg per square meter. Yeah, I know it’s kPa (kilopascal = Newtons  per sq meter or metre).  But the question is relevant. I live in the world of psi – I’m not shipping my calibrated pump, I’m buying / bumming a pump in NZ, dude!
  2. If I want a 16 oz New York strip, what do I order? a  1/2 Kg Auckland strip?
  3. If I want a 1/2 lb hamburger with cheddar cheese and bacon – medium rare, what do I order? Or am I forced to down a mutton burger? Trust me, I’ve had mutton, I think.
  4. If I want a pint of beer (16 oz), what do I order? 1/2 a Liter? Or can I use the phrase I learned in Italy – Grande Bier, por favor. Yeah, that may be some spanish in the Italian. But you get the point.

Check out this KoRn video. When I grow up I want to be the Front Man for a Rock n’ Roll band, just like Jonathan Davis of KoRn. (Damn, this video is old, the dudes look young. Yeah, we are all old now, aren’t we.)

7 thoughts on “New Zealand: ETA October 15th”

  2. I'm jealous dude! I grew up with Schlitz though.. That's all my dad drank! I would have to bring a small sack of green chile with me though.. I know they wouldn't have that there.

    Do you have maps for your GPS to cover New Zealand?

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  3. It is great that you are coming to NZ or as it is known by the Maori…Aotearoa (the land of the long white cloud). I have tried to answer your questions to help with your planning..

    1. there is no internet in NZ, I am sending this using tin cans and smoke.
    2. Your gps will work but you will need to wear a satellite dish on top of your cowboy hat.
    3.It is “Meeta”
    4. We have gravity so you should be OK, wear heavy shoes just in case.
    5. Yes you will lose a day but on the way back you will arrive before you leave so get a friend to tell you the winning lotto numbers and buy a ticket when you get back to pay for your trip.
    6. You will have a hard time finding anything starting with the word “bud” but we do have many fine beers. After the 12th bottle they all taste the same anyway.
    7. Don't say anything, just wear your cowboy hat, the girls will flock around you, all except the ones who have seen “Brokeback Mountain”.
    8. Sorry but you are mistaken, Lord of the Rings was real, King Kong was only a movie. At the moment they are making the Hobbit movie here which is also real, sort of a documentary about short people who live in NZ.

    1.Although we are a highly advanced civilisation we do still put pounds of air in our tyres.(tyres not tires). And who puts 40lb in their tyres anyway? Are you planning on racing on the road? You will be riding off road in a forest, 30lbs will be heaps, I usually run 25lbs.
    2. Order a Rib Eye Fillet steak…..
    3.Good luck with that.
    4. Tap Beer is usually served in 500ml glasses or handles. In some pubs you can buy a Jug of beer which holds more than a glass because it is bigger. How much bigger no one knows.

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  5. Kino. Schlitz – The Beer that Made Milwaukee Famous / Just a Kiss of the Hops. Can't beat it! With regards to your other message. I sold the chopper a number of years ago. One day I woke up and said 'I don't want to die today' and I stopped riding the machines. I had a different view on Harley's and Choppers, many close calls, I didn't care – until I cared. So, no chopper. I'll post a picture (facebook) of The TeddNeck's panhead. Unbelievable! But he sold it, after his two daughters entered this world.

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  6. Hey Brent. Thanks for the info. You are definitely supplying my with valuable information. I have a few comments.

    1) The internet. Damn. I guess I'm hosed. I wanted to chill out at the local pubs and post some serious S*^T to the B.P.R. blog. My goal is (was) to make all other Back of the Pack racers feel like total morons, wimps, losers, incompetent fools for skipping out on an adventure like this. Oh well, I'll figure something out.
    2) A satellite dish? That will slow me down. Maybe not, I'll start training with a dish on my hat.
    3) Meeta? Will I ever figure out this language?
    4) I hope gravity is not 9.8 m/sec^2 in NZ. It would be great to lose some weight, just by showing up. (Of course, Kilograms is independent of gravity – so we will stick with pounds.)
    5) Sweet! I'll be rich by the end of October.
    6) 12th bottle, you talking about lunch? We usually hit the 'case' threshold by happy hour.
    7) Brokeback Mountain? I don't know what you are talking about. Must be a freaky NZ movie.
    8) Short people? Midgets? Midgets with big hands? I'm scared. I really am scared.

    Ok, the serious stuff.
    1) I race on 40psi. A 215lb dude (in the US, I hope I'm 185 in NZ) must reduce the rolling resistance. I'll spin out no matter what. Traction? Overrated. It's 40psi.
    2) Rib Eye Fillet. That's the meal for the 15th. Can't wait. Then I'll order up a Marmite sandwich for desert – whatever that is.
    3) Dude, I must have my cheeseburgers. I'll die without cheeseburgers.
    4) Jug of beer? Sounds like a good breakfast!

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  7. Yeah… I sold my Harley after I got back on the MTB.. There was no more time for it… Got to where I would rather be peddling up hills than throttling down the road. Some day I'll build me up another bike though.. Maybe when my knees are too thrashed to push a single up the hills. Hopefully that won't be till I'm in my 60's.

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