Chapter Operating Instructions
Refer to the BPR GLOBAL OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS…. All Rules in the Global Operating Instructions will be followed by all dudes in the BPR AZ Crew. No deviations, clarification, additions were provided to The Founding Fathers as of this update. Although it is well known that gears, fancy outfits and full on Ludacracy are pursued in dark alleys and at dark times by the AZ crew.
And the BPR AZ crew installed a complex mechanism, a complex set of checks ‘n balances for ‘new dude in the crew’ process. Basically, if you want to roll with The Crew, roll with BPR AZ patches, you must a) find a dude in the crew to sponsor you, b) demonstrate you can live the lifestyle, c) prove you can live the lifestyle and not piss off anyone OR piss anyone off (whatever), d) survive a probationary phase.
So… in the end. Find a dude in the AZ Crew and see where it goes. And it won’t go anywhere fast. So I’m guessing.
Profiles of The Crew
The Mad Rhino: Founding Father of BPR AZ Chapter
aka: The Field Marshal
Rhino is crazy. Like Mad Rhino = Mad Cow crazy. But that’s cool. All Back of the Pack Racers must have a loose screw, or two.
Mad Rhino is a single speed freak that lives life via The List. We are not yet sure what that list is (or what the lists are) but Mad Rhino has a list for everything. Hell, his day is mapped out in five minute intervals. No joke, jokester.
And the dude, with all of his Lists, figures out a way to look after The Founding Fathers. If The Founding Fathers forget something – no problem. Mad Rhino is there with a solution and a hug. OK. No hugs, yet. But Prob-eee will be asking for one, soon!
Mad Rhino entered the Back of the Pack ranks as a Probationary Member. But Rhino quickly qualified for a field promotion – nominated by The Morale Chairman. The Founding Fathers never discuss the issue, probably because we were busy drinking some Tecate or IPA. But a nomination by a Founding Father is as good as gold. Just remember that.
There is not much else to say about Mad Rhino, I think. Just let it be known that Mad Rhino adds his own flavor to the B.P.R. Ludacracy. And chances are that Mad Rhino Ludacracy is documented on a list or two.
aka Eff Ugeyez aka Sergeant
This dude is an east coast transplant. And if allowed, this dude will transplant his a$$ right into your guest room. It’s like a BPR strategy of squatting. (Full Disclosure.) Yeah, this dude left the corporate world to a) work in a bike shop, b) quit working in a bike shop, c) talk about riding his bike, d) ride his bike, e) post pictures of his bloody taint in an effort to make us all puke. And in the end, that’s the reason for the dude’s existence – just to ride bikes and post pictures of bloody body parts, I think.
aka The Wrench
Joey lives for 2 things: bikes, tattoos, motorcycles. (Ok, maybe that is 3 things.) Joey is The BPR Wrench as he is ShadeTree Bikes. (Show the dude some love, via your credit card.) And when you see this big bad boy rumbling towards you on his Fat Bike, with his color’d canvas & high’n tight haircut… just remember, Joey is your friend and you don’t even know it, yet. Also remember: Hayduke and Gnarly talk about The Podium. But Joey is The Podium, Mr Podium. As proven by the 1st race of the 2015 BPR Championship Series.
aka The Professor
The Professor is a unique dude. This dude only thinks about: the podium, his hot wife and his pink DeSalvo single speed. (And maybe it is not in that order. ) And this dude only talks about the podium, his hot wife and his pink DeSalvo. What we have yet to figure out, at the back of the pack, is the relationship between visualizing and talking about The Podium and actually standing on The Podium. Yeah, Hayduke hasn’t provided much data, yet. I think he is 1 for 6, but that ain’t bad, for a dude that hangs at the back of the pack. And by the way, these pics of Hayduke wearing the rainbow speedo are all over the internet. I think the dude is a part-time speedo model. Just say’n. Do the search.
aka Jolly Rogers
We don’t really know what Jolly’s real name it is. It really doesn’t matter. We just know that he is Jolly as in Jolly Rogers as in The Pirate at the back of the pack. Yep, this dude is one bad a$$ pirate that loves single speeds, big boobs, Fireball and curly fries. We’ll keep the majority of Jolly’s profile under digital lock and key. Because you, the freak that is reviewing these profiles, don’t really have the need-to-know, the need-to-know about Jolly. Just know that Jolly looks like a rough a tumble dude. But the dude is quick to give you a bro hug and share his beer. And that’s much more that I’d EVER think of doing for you. Just say’n.
This foxy mama shares a house & kids with Jolly. Some would call it a marriage, we call it a team of organized chaos. And we love chaos at the back of the pack. But what you really need to know about WhoreChata is that she also loves single speed machines AND roller derby. Yep, WhoreChata is a roller derby queen and lives the roller derby lifestyle. Enough Said. Ok. Not enough said. A question for you, the reader, have you ever seen a crew of Roller Derby babes. Holy S*^T! talk about a critical mass of beauty. Roller Derby babes are SO HOT. The visuals…
aka Pollywog, aka JurassicFrog
Frog is the dude that we all want to be. The dude is and will remain The Rock Star.. the front man, at the back of the pack. Aside from The Rock ’n Roll lifestyle , And this dude has / did / can / could roll out with dreadlocks. Frog digs the fully rigid single speed and the long distant races. I mean ‘rides’. Oh yeah, when Frog steps away from his Rock Star lifestyle he will still hit the Karaoke circuit, just so school people. Rumor has it that he can throw down some wicked Johnny Ca$h tunes and then jump right into RUN DMC. Yeah, the dude all THAT and then some. The only thing we can’t really understand about Frog – his stretch goal is to make it big on Dancing with the Stars. Just a random fact.
But to be serious, for once. Frog is the dude that may step up to be The BPR Enforcer… enforcer of The Lifestyle. You see, Frog sets the standard for late night Ludacracy. And Frog does and will let everyone know when they are failing to meet expectations within The Lifestyle. So beware, don’t try to pull this early to bed and early to rise bulls*^t around Frog. He’ll call you out.
Gnarly is a klunker dude. Gnarly builds klunders, Gnarly modifies klunkers and Gnarly races klunkers. And when the dude isn’t racing klunkers, he’s racing cars / trucks… like that Baja s*^t. Yeah, Gnarly is kinda like Hayduke. He’s a racer. But we’re pretty sure that he’d rather drink beer and talk about racing… then race. Or maybe we’ve just corrupted his racing soul. Or not.
Krazy Karl has more titanium in his body than The Philosofizer has in his garage. Not only is Krazy Karl 1/2 cyborg – he’s the BPR certified beer technician. He is the BPR beer connoisseur, beer bottle-er, beer can-er, Actually I think beer flows through this dudes veins. (unliess it’s Krazy Karl Whiskey.) Krazy Karl is one of those super freak racer type dudes. But, at times, I think that Karl is just happy drinking beer and KNOWING he can smoke you – versus smoke’n you and missing all the Beer induced Ludacrazy.
Anyway, if you have the pleasure of hang’n with Krazy Karl, you may think he’s out there like pluto, but once you close your eyes and open your ears, you’ll realize that he has the best (and only?) grasp of humanity, as defined in The Alternate Reality. What am I talking about? Hell, I don’t know. Krazy Karl, I need a beer!
aka: Handlebar James
aka: The Butcher
Handlebar James The Butcher amplifies the Insanity and Ludacracy at the Back of the Pack. This dude raised the bar to the ceiling, and we don’t see it getting lowered anytime soon. The Butcher sucks at the internet, he rides single and rigid, and loves the environment and recycling.
James crushes any bike he gets on top of. He’s the master of the klunk, rolls the phatty, and his current rig is a homemade steel 29+. Yes, folks that is a custom tallboy holder in the center of his top tube, which occasionally holds a water bottle depending on the heat index in Arizona.
Caution: If you hold a Singlespeed race, and there is a hot tub nearby, watch out!
aka Fancy Yancey
Fancy… as in FANCY A$$ THREADS. I think. Cuz the dude has a wicked set of plaid. Maybe.
And by the way….
“An old Truck Driver Never DIES… he just gets a new Peter-Built”.
Ok. Back to The Alternate Reality:
Fancy Yancey is the ‘newest’ dude in the BPR AZ Crew. Fancy is a dude that will drink all night and ride all day… with a few naps wedged in at the appropriate time. And if you are lucky enough to chill with Yancey ask him these questions:
- Are truck stop hookers sexy?
- Is there really such a thing as truck stop glory holes? Or is Spencer just making all that s*^t up?
- If you leave a truck stop with 56 oz of Coca-Cola…. where does that Coca Cola go? Do you empty one 56oz jug and fill up another? And then do the ‘rotation’? If you do the rotation, what is the sanitization step?
Ok. All truck stop joking aside. Yancey is the most sincerely & gracious dude you will ever meet… at the back of the pack. When you see Yancey, give the dude a huge BPR handshake and say hello. Yeah. And if you ain’t a Jacka$$, he’ll give you a beer or two.