Urinal Etiquette: Back of the Pack Style

The Back of the Pack Racing Founding Fathers are a) whacked out, b) idealistic, c) altruistic and d) partially psychotic – in a good way.

There are many, many subtle characteristics that separate a Back of the Pack Founding Father from the common recruit – such as Prob-eee. But we, the Founding Fathers, are driven (most of the time) to educate the recruits and the general masses.

One MAJOR, and I mean MAJOR, issue is Urinal Etiquette. So many times we,  common men, are ‘violated’ at the urinal. These violations are unnecessary. AND we should not accept these ‘innocent’ violations. (Actually, there are no innocent violations!)

Below is a test. Take the test and prove to yourself that you are properly educated. All men on this planet we call EARTH should be, must be, skilled at Urinal Etiquette.

BTW. This summary of Urinal Etiquette was generated years ago, sometime in the 90’s. I’m reproducing it WITHOUT permission from the author(s). We have no idea who the original authors are / were. We have no idea who defined Urinal Etiquette, but we all agree with Urinal Etiquette!

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Urinal Etiquette

There is a code of ‘Urinal Etiquette” that MUST be followed.
Men should ace this test… women may have a little difficulty.
______________________________________________________________________
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men’s room – a ‘6 holer’.
An ‘X’ above the number indicates IN USE.
SAMPLE:
|    |    | x |    |    | x | 
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 
This diagram indicates that urinals 3 and 6 are occupied.
THE TEST:
You are challenged to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, the proper urinal that you should occupy.
CONFIGURATION #1:
|    | x |    | x |    |    | 

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |    (urinals 2 and 4 occupied)

Your choice ______________
Correct Answer: 6
It’s the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. 
CONFIGURATION #2:

| x |    |    |    |    |    | 

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |   (urinal 1 is occupied)

Your choice ______________
Correct Answer: 6
Urinal 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. (This is an UNACCEPTABLE risk – if you ask the Back of the Pack Founding Fathers.)
*It’s getting harder – check your ego, dude!
CONFIGURATION #3:

|    |    |    |    |    |    | 

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     (all urinals are empty)

Your choice ______________
Correct Answer: 1 or 6
You are tacitly saying “I don’t want anyone next to me”. (The Back of the Pack Founding  Fathers would add… the best choice is the urinal farthest from the door. The fat bastards will minimize the transit therefore extra protection is provided by extra distance between you and the door.)
CONFIGURATION #4:
|    | x |    | x |    | x | 

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     (Urinals 2, 4 and 6 are occupied)

Your choice ______________
Correct Answer: 1
You’re stuck being next to at least one dude, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. (AND YOU CAN HELP IT, DUDE!) Exceptions to this are stadium pissers where the herd thunders in.
Subtle, tricky, but very important configuration:
CONFIGURATION #5:
|    | x |    |    | x | x | 

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     (Urinals 2, 5 and 6 are occupied)

Your choice ______________
Correct Answer: 4
Believe it or not, 1 and 3 ‘couples’ you with the guy in urinal 2. And we wouldn’t want THAT now, would we? 
This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Needless to say, only we men understand!
VERY tricky configuration, dude!
CONFIGURATION #6:
| x | x |    |    | x | x | 

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     (Urinals 1, 2, 5 and 6 are occupied)

Your choice ______________
Correct Answer: NONE!
You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals ‘open up’ a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for God’s sake…. use a doored stall!
Additional Elements of the UNWRITTEN CODE OF THE URINALS:
  • NO Talking, unless it’s a good friend… but even then, keep it terse and UNEMOTIONAL. This ain’t no clubhouse, dude!
  • YOU don’t need to be told, but… ABSOLUTELY NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another’s elbow is of the HIGHEST OFFENSE!
  • Glances are for purposes of acknowledgement only… “Yeah, I see you there, I will not look again.”
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In Summary:
This is not a joke. This is serious. Unnecessary violations occur daily, for example:
Just today I was minding my ‘own business’ at the far urinal, the urinal farthest from the door. ONE JACKASS walked right up to the center urinal and started to purge. (This is a 3 holer situation.) Yes, the JACKASS walked extra steps to occupy the urinal right next to me. The JACKASS could have walked fewer steps and occupied the urinal farthest away from me. Troubling! THEN I proceeded to wash my hands in the sink closest to the door – quick exit. The JACKASS walked all the way across the room to the sink farthest away from ‘my sink’. WHAT! The dude purges right next to me, but washes his hands 10 feet away. This is a violation. This is unacceptable! 

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