What can I say?
Phat dudes that weigh in at 225 lbs shouldn’t be riding SS machines in the Arizona desert. The ‘homemade’ insulation creates havoc in the extreme desert heat, the required calorie intake just isn’t possible when you roll… at the back of the pack. It’s just hard. And eating Cheetos burritos while watching The X-Files is way easier. Seriously, it is.
Skinny dudes, with Mohawks, that weigh in at 158lbs should think twice before riding SS machines in the Arizona desert. The mohawk creates tension in the bars… located on the route. It’s bad to create tension in bars while trying to ‘push’ through 300 of the HOTTEST miles on planet EARTH. Seriously, it is. (Ok, I’m exaggerating.)
Just Joking, of course.
Two Cool Pics:
The Mad Rhino and The Judd put down a noble attempt on the AZT300. At the Day 2 mark we were 1/2 through the course. Then during Day 3 the situation changed drastically. Two independent issues crushed the effort: The Judd broke the headset somewhere on the trail, by noon on Day 3 the fork was unstable, to say the least. AND for a number of reasons we dropped way behind schedule, we covered 18 miles in 6 hours. Not good.
- By the way. Everyone that hears of the headset failure says “Damn, I’ve never heard of a headset failing.” And The Judd is thinking “Dude, have you ever seen a 225 lbs phat dude mashing a SS during a bikepacking race? Yep, thought not!”
Anyway, the Arizona Trail isn’t going anywhere. And we will be back, either for the AZT300 v2014 or an ITT attempt or just an old fashioned party in the heat and dirt.
As usual, the alternate reality at the Back of the Pack is presented below. It’s a bit wordy, like you care, as you are already bored with this s*^t. But this info is more like a ‘reminder’ of what not to do next time we head into the desert… Jim Morrison style.
Craziest Jim Morrison like Hallucination:
At about the 9 mile mark The Judd missed the line on a wicked loose decent. Because The Judd Doesn’t wear a helmet during bikepacking adventures (that’s right, lecture me, please) The Judd dismounted the bike and walked it down the steep loose rocky segment. Three super freaks wanted to pass, so The Judd picked up the ‘sheep and moved to the side. Well, the BACK WHEEL fell off. That’s right, after 9 hard miles the back wheel fell off. The bolts backed out of the Hope Pro II hub. Seriously. So, with some help from Cjell Money (disqualify me now, please) The Judd ‘got’ the wheel back on and bolted down. THEN a few minutes later The Judd met up with Mad Rhino. Mad Rhino said ‘Dude, my quick release was disengaged and my rear wheel almost fell off’. Talk about the UNEXPLAINABLE. Ok, go ahead and try to explain that smart guy… smart girl. AND remember, we rode / hiked 9 hard miles before this happened.
The Trucker Hat, Why:
Because some wear seatbelts… and some don’t
Because some text and drive… and some don’t
Because some wear patches & paid… and some don’t
Because some wear helmets… and I don’t. Dude.
Bikepacking isn’t Free, even though it is:
The conversation that started it all… the Back of the Pack dudes attempting the AZT300 v2013…
The Judd: “Mad Rhino, sack up, bikepacking is free. Let’s do this thing.”
And then the Mad Rhino spends some ‘free’ cash on: A new helmet, a bar bag, a gps, new shoes, new rubber, and…. ? Yeah, bikepacking is free. Well, maybe for the next race.
- 32×20. Nope. It seemed like an acceptable gear, even though I roll 32×21 on the Colorado Trail. But it wasn’t. Smart Judd, really smart.
- Gotta know when to take a time out. It’s hot out there. Take some breaks in the day – ride hard at night. Seriously.
- Must have queue sheets AND the locations of the water sources. Because a location isn’t good enough when you are out of water and have no idea the distance to the source. Think about it.
- If you can carry 180 oz of water… Figure out how to carry 250oz of water. Unless you are a super freak.
- For phat dudes (The Judd) synthetic sunscreen ain’t as awesome as the skinny dudes (Mad Rhino) say it is. What’s synthetic sunscreen… I can’t say. I have principles and must refocus on those principals.
- If you devise a food plan, to counter act the fact that all gas stations will be out of food, DON’T Tell any of your fellow competitors. BECAUSE then it becomes their food plan and you’ll once again be SCREWED!
- If you have a brand new XC race tire on your bike, replace it. XC race tires will… create issues.
Quotes of the Adventure:
- Mad Rhino: “The Judd, if you were wearing leg warmers you wouldn’t have such a brutal sunburn on your legs.
- The Judd: “Mad Rhino, you are pushing the boundaries by wearing those leg warmers… in the desert. I have integrity, I have principals. But I won’t rat you out to the other Founding Fathers.”
- Mad Rhino: “All I want is a hotdog”
- The Judd: “All I want is a Pepsi”
How do you know when Mad Rhino is in Race Mode, aka, Mad Rhino the Racer:
- The dude reaches the top of the hill, put’s his head down and starts sprinting, seriously.
- The dude powers the cranks through the turn, instead of coasting, like the rest of use.
- The dude throws a power slide when he can’t power the cranks through the turn.
- The dude tries to grind up the steepest of steep slopes… cuz he wants to show the Lt Col, The BPR Elder Statesman, that he too can roll a SS at a crank revolution of 1Hz.
The Single Speed Handicap, the somber reality:
It’s hard man, it’s really hard. The super freaks roll out with minimal gear. The non super freaks roll out with too much gear and thus hike more than desired. That’s just the way it is. Yep, it’s hard man. A word of advice for all non super freak SS bikepackers: Don’t listen to anything anyone says. Cuz it doesn’t apply to the SS pace, pain, suffering. It’s just different. And then there are misunderstandings. Like it’s an easy 20 miles… then the 20 miles takes 8 hours. Or… ‘It’ll take you 12 hours to get from Redington Pass to Oracle’…. then after 6 hours of pushing you are 18 miles into the 60 mile section. Or… ‘I can’t wait for nachos at Colossal Cave’… then you ride 4 miles out of the way to find that there ain’t any nachos at Colossal Cave. DAMN.
Cjell Money, the toughest skinny dude to roll a Black Sheep… in the history of the WORLD:
If you haven’t met Cjell Money, then you haven’t met the super freak that defines super freak. I ran into this dude in the MIDDLE of nowhere during one of my treks on the Colorado Trail. Cjell was walking from Durango to Denver… With a day pack and PINK crocs. No joke, jokester. Then Cjell decided to crush the Tour Divide on his Black Sheep Snow Salamander 2 speed in 17 days, I think. (Maybe it was 14 days. Maybe it was 20 days. Who Cares. It was a wicked effort!) Check out his story…. The link.
So, at the Back of the Pack we are taking applications for the next round of ‘racers’ that want to join the SS lifestyle of Ludacracy. Just a hint. Some get in, some don’t. Some get free patches, some don’t. If you wanna know what resumes rise to the top… Check out Cjell Money.
Final Question / Final Thought:
How much is water is too much water… There ain’t such a thing as too much water when roll’n a SS on the Arizona Trail.
The Track… at the Back of the Pack:
This data… ain’t for you. It’s for me. Because I live the data, I breath the data, I own the data… the data defines our Alternate Reality @ the back of the pack.
Two Dudes… at the Back of the Pack
Two Dudes… Two Cogs
I want a Windmill
I wanna be a photographer… after a brew master
just a pic
just a hike-a-bike
just The Mad Rhino