24HITOP v2014 will go down in the books as… just another awesome weekend with awesome dudes and dudettes. Yeah. We could say it’s was the best weekend of 24 hour chaos, EVER. But, you see, we have a great time no matter where we are or what we are doing. Because that’s how we do it.
But this weekend was a bit different, a bit new. The Freak Count, i.e., the total freaks in The Crew at the Back of the Pack, expanded over that last year or so. And this was the first opportunity for a critical mass to assemble. And let me tell you, the critical mass went Critical, if you know what I am saying. And that’s JUST THE WAY we like it.
So read on, if you care. Or don’t.
The Crew at the back of the pack now consists of each and every type of Hooligan that you can imagine.
But as The Founding Fathers, we must ensure that ALL BPR Hooligans know who is in charge. The freaks must know and understand that all chaos, all ludacracy, is dominated by one or all of The Founding Fathers. And the only way to control the chaos is for a Founding Father to step up and DOMINATE at The Front of the Back of the Pack.
So, The Morale Chairman and I (Judd) hashed out a pre race plan for DOMINATION. (The Lt Col is retired, spear fishing in Florida and doing naked Carnival stuff in South America. The Lt Col likes that ‘naked’ scene. That’s why he flies the South American route, so we hear.) Anyway, the plan for domination was simple. The plan was well executed.
- If Brandon puts forth a hardcore effort, an effort that would take the dude, The Professor, through the 200 mile barrier then it was up to Judd to lay down the miles, chase down Brandon, throw down some physical and mental tactics, tactics that would break the young dude’s spirit and motivation. Because no one can pull jedi mind tricks late at night like Judd.
- If The 24 Hour Demons took hold of Brandon, at any time in the race, then Judd could back off and take a long siesta as The Responsibility of Founding Father Domination would be transferred to The Morale Chairman. Because we knew that The Morale Chairman could dominate all but that super freak young dude that we call The Professor.
That was the Summary… Now the Details… of Old Pueblo v2014
It’s like Cliff Notes.
- The Morale Chairman: “I haven’t trained in two years, although I really don’t know what training is. But I’ll ride, I’ll eat bologna, I’ll go for some potato chips, maybe some donuts. I’ll ride with flat pedals. I’ll wear hiking boots. And I’ll put in 150 miles, just because I can.”
- Brandon: “I’m gonna roll out on a 32×16. And I’m gonna run at the start. Yep, victory at The Front of the Back of the Pack is guaranteed. Assuming my brakes aren’t drag’n. Assuming I don’t DNF. Yeah, uh, assuming…”
- Vegan Jeff: “I was rear-ended a few months ago. My car was totaled. I was f’d up. The blood clots in my brain are finally gone. The doctor said I should be in Intensive Care. But I’ll throw down a few laps, because I can. And I’ll stop when I want. Because that’s what I do. But I’ll be sure to finish lap #4 before Judd. Because I still dominate… at the back of the Back of the Pack.”
- Judd: “I got stung by a wasp, my rear hub is shot, my skewers are creaking, The Taint is still scabbed over from Arrowhead 135, my kneecap is cracked, the water isn’t cold enough but the beer is, so maybe I’ll take a long break before my next lap.”
- Spencer: “Someone said there is a race going on. But Judd said it’s a BPR vacation during the holiday weekend. Well, vacation sounds good to me. Yeah, I’ll loan my bike to Brandon. Because the dude’s brakes are drag’n. Wait. How did my number plate get on Brandon’s bike? Or how did Brandon get on my bike. I’m confused. Did Brandon just ride a lap for me. Come to think of it, maybe that was me that turned a lap Saturday night. Maybe. Shit. I’ll drink another beer and see how all this shakes out.”
- Jolly: “Sweepers sweep the trail, looking for stragglers. But I, The Jolly Sweeper, sweep the trail looking for lost bottles of beer and whiskey. Yep, no ounce goes unaccounted for when The Jolly Sweeper is working. I’m for hire. Seriously. Day or Night. By the way, got any Fireball?”
- WhoreChata: “I’m tapering for a big roller derby meet. So I’ll put in a few laps. But don’t f*^k with me, I’m wearing my spikes and pads. And I’m dying to throw down some of my new roller derby moves. Bitch”
- Frog: “You want ice. I’ll bring you an ice sculpture. Ok, I’ll bring you a melted ice sculpture, because this is Arizona. Isn’t it? So… see you f*^k’rs at the post race party… I’ll bring the Water… Formally Known as Ice.”
- Full Disclosure. We have no idea how many laps Frog turned, as he was on a team. (Prior Commitment.) But we’ll put him below WhoreChata, because WhoreChata raced SOLO on a 4 person team. Just the rules, as I define them.
- Deuce: “Yeah. I have a note from a doctor sanctioned by BPR. So I’ll just hang, keep the beer cold and keep the death metal cranking. By the way, you wanna see my scar? Just let me now. I’ll drop my pants and bend over.”
- Joey: “You jokers paid for this vacation? Well I’m get’n paid suckas. Although I must stay up all night unlike you sleepy freaks on the SS machines.”
- Mad Rhino. “I have a different doctor than Deuce and Vegan Jeff. My PERSONAL doctor said I must stay home, close the shades, turn on the disco ball, drink warm milk, and meditate to Pink Floyd. All of which I’m happy to do. (I wonder if I’ll get called out if I swap Pink Floyd for Morrissey.)”
- Deuce ‘n Cin: “These Founding Fathers aren’t as mean as they look. Especially if we feed them and laugh at the idiotic s*^t those freaks say.”
- Smoke’n Joe: “Damn Dude, this weekend vacation shit, at the back of the pack, really f*^ks up the Monday Morning roll call. But I’ll show up 2 hrs late, Deuce will cover for me, because that’s what the dude does. I hope.”
- El Freako from Rico: 4th Place. Solo Single Speed. Nice job dude. Let us know when you want to ditch that body hug’n gear and roll out in plaid.
- El Freako is a great friend of The Crew. But now we know what The Freako is in ‘El Freako’. You’ll find it below.
- JimFab: Solo Geared. JimFab rolls to his own tune. Classic Dude. JimFab shut down his 200 mile attempt around 100 miles. That’s how we roll at the back of the pack. So… you’re always invited to hang, dude.
- Paul & The Gallup Crew: Paul started the race with a system full of PBR. Paul finished with a solid 10 labs in solo SS. Wicked effort for a freak that eats Spam for desert and drowns his cheerios in PBR. Someday we’ll need to convince Paul (and Brian / Bryan / Mr Schwinn / Whatever and all the other Gallup freaks that they’d roll a bit faster in BPR Plaid.)
- Chewy. The Minnesota Connection. The dude flew in from frigid Minnesota, just so he could roll his Krampus DrunkCyclist style. Good hang’n with you Chewy. See you in Alaska!
The Just When We Lost HOPE…
We found The Lt Col’s long lost missing TWIN, The Lt Cols alter ego, Brian from Indiana, brother of Vegan Jeff.
Back of the Pack Response: “Brian, wanna ditch that tight pink outfit you wear and start up a BPR Indiana Chapter? You’ll fit right in. And full disclosure, you can wear all the pink tight shit you want, we just don’t want to know about.”
Smoke’n Joe… Smoke’n it up… CaveMan style:
Each year we, the Back of the Pack Crew, try to improve life at 24 Hour Town. Well this year Deuce figured it all out, based on a previous life outside of BPR Ludacracy. Deuce brought in his buddy Smoke’n Joe. And…. Smoke’n Joe feed all of us and some of you f*^r’s too, all weekend. Yep, life doesn’t get much better than friends, beer, ribs, pulled pork, beef brisket, yoga freaks and… more beer. Anyway, thanks Smoke’n Joe for Smoke’n it up! See you next time, dude.
- If we didn’t leave a day early. We’d be a day late.
- The keg ain’t empty till The Morale Chairman says it is empty.
- and this lesson is learned over and over and over and over… and over
- The DrunkCyclist Pit. At the BPR Mobile Headquarters, The Ludacracy is shut down at 11pm. BUT Drunk Cyclist just doesn’t shut down, ever. And BPR AZ hooligans are known to transition operations to the Drunk Cyclist arena.
- So, be careful where you camp. And if you’re crazy enough to tell random hooligans to tone it down, at 1AM. Well, bad idea.
- The sun rises in the east… and the Yoga Chick does yoga.
- And we watch the Yoga Chick do yoga.
- If you need an ego boost, just go through the Old Pueblo Staging Tent in the middle of the night, you’ll have a hundred new friends. You’ll feel like a rock start. So I’m told. I wouldn’t know.
- El Freako from Rico. We all know the super freak. And we all thought we know why El Freako was ‘El Freako’. But know we really know. On night #4, post race gathering, we were debating the BPR movie selection El Freako said ‘I have a movie you’ll all like, I’ll be right back’. El Freako came back with Machete. And he laughed his a$$ off through the entire flick. Yeah, El Freako is really ‘El Freako’. Just Say’n.
And to end it all… A Public Service Announcement: