2014 24 Hours in the Enchanted Forest – USA 24 Hour National Championships


domination… at the back of the pack… maybe.
The dust settled, The Lt Col completed his ‘victory’ lap, The Lt Col hit all the daytime talk shows (he’s retired), The Lt Col passed on the nighttime comedy shows (yep, he’s old and retired)… so now it is time to tell The Real Story… in The Alternate Reality that we call Back of the Pack Racing.

You see, we’ve had The Battle at the back of the pack FOR YEARS. This Battle was ‘epic’. (Just had to throw that word in there, never used it before.) The Battle is simple. Who would bust through the 24 Hour / 200 mile barrier… on a single speed… at the back of the pack.

And The Lt Col was / is convinced that he won The Battle. But He Didn’t.

The Dude left his spear gun at his humble abode in The Keys, he left his KEYS to his jumbo jet back in the Miami. (Ok, I’m not sure he really has a Key to his American Airlines 767. But The Lt Col (ret) should have a set of keys, right?). And The Freakshow to end All Freak Shows (get the grammar / sentence structure thing?) pounded out 10 laps on his ancient Black Sheep single speed machine. 

And now the controversy. The Lt Col likes to round up. Like, a lap is 18.9 miles, about, so The FreakShow rounds up to 20+ miles / lap. SO… The Controversy. 

The data clearly shows that the battle was not won, by THE OLDEST founding father of Back of the Pack Racing. The data clearly shows that The Lt Col put in 189.850 miles, which is a record at the back of the pack. But 189.850 is not 200.0000. I don’t care what fuzzy math a dude works with, I don’t care what Chaos Theory a dude believes in. 189.850 IS NOT 200. End of Story.

And let me just throw this in. The Lt Col’s 189.850 is a record. But 8th place in the USA 24 Hour National Championships /  Solo SS… is not a record. That record would be held by The Philosofizer, 6th place, at a much harder / technically demanding course formally known as 24 Hours of Moab. Yep, just had to complete The History.

Better luck next time LT Col. The Battle rages on.

But to The Lt Col’s defense, I think the dude is just lost in the straightforward fuzzification during the sixties and seventies because the old dude grew up in the 60s and 70s.

The Data… The Results:

Data Doesn’t Lie… Even if The Lt Col won’t believe The “1s” and “0s”

And then there is the rest of The Crew and performances that you are accustom to seeing at the back, way back, in the pack:

  •  Mad Rhino: something like 6 laps. He had ‘issues’ around midnight. We call these issues The Demons. But Mad Rhino calls the ‘issues’ just ‘issues’. More on that some other day.
  • The Judd: something like 3 laps. The phat dude was pounding out laps, cranking up the hills, smiling at all the ladies, blah blah blah. Then the phat dude simply said… “riding laps if F’n stoopid, more than slightly stooped, I want to go bike packing, I want to go to Colorado and cruise on The Trail. 
  • Duece: probably 2 laps. We lost count. He lost count. But that doesn’t matter. The dude showed up at 24HITEF to dominate the FatBike category but was placed in the SS Championship category. This issue freak’d the dude out. He collapsed under the pressure and decided to take it easy, back of the pack style
  • Jolly: we have no idea what this freak put down. You see, he signed up for the Phat Bike category. AND he showed up with a Phat Bike that had PHAT GEARS. So, the dude promised to stay in Gear 10, Gear 10 out of Gear 27, and we said…. “ok. Sure, we won’t disqualify you because you are The Jolly and The Jolly Crew is f’n cool”. And then we turned our backs, laughed and decided that Jolly just secured his position at the back, way back

AND THEN… our buddies in Colorado. The Thelen’s that roll at The Back of the Pack but race ‘professionally’ for ProCycling. That’s right, at the back of the pack we hang with ‘pros’. Just because.

So Nick is / was The Official PIT BOSS (he was ‘tapering’ for something) and now Tracy is THE 24 HOUR SOLO NATIONAL CHAMPION. NATIONAL CHAMPION like THE CHAMPION in The United States of America.

How cool is that! Way to go Tracy! You are way tougher than any of us, plus you blew through the 200 mile barrier. AND, no matter what you say, we don’t give The Pit Boss any credit. You rode the bike. That dude just pounded Bud Lights like… like.. we pound IPA. 





The Chaos:

And of course, aside from the biking, there was major chaos at the Back of the Pack pit. I didn’t take many notes, as I’m tired of begin The Hustorian… and The Philosofizer… and The Leader. I’m just tired. So, we have a few quotes that will make you shutter / wonder / or call the cops.

The Teenager #1: “Dad why can’t we have suspension?” 

The Lt Col: “I gave you suspension, you were born with knees and elbows” 

The Lt Col:There’s going to be a lot of reprogramming on the drive home” as he shakes his head when The Teenagers explain TO THE GROUP what a helicopter ride really is. (MADRE! Do not click on that link! Actually, Madre, stop reading right here!)
The Teenager #2:
The dude tells us his #1 pickup line: “Do you work at Subway? ….Because you’re giving me a foot long!” 

Duece: “I drank too much and …. too recently.” (Sorry, I can’t complete that quote, as The Madre is probably still reading are REALLY get’s PISSED OFF when I’m ‘crude’ in The Ether that we call The Internet.)
  •  By the way, isn’t it crazy that we have this WORLD FAMOUS blog yet we can’t be ‘us’ because of Censorship. Yep, we live in America. I guess The Madre is just trying to protect us all from The NSA. F*^k’n spies. Although I’d like to work at the NSA and spy on all of you freaks. Ok, that may be boring.)
What’s Next?
What’s next? Hell. I don’t know. 

  • I’m headed to Colorado to check out The Trail
  • Some of use are headed to Alaska for SSWC14… and liver transplants.
  • And then there is The Colorado Trail Race.
  • How about a trip to The UK… SSUK14. That may happen. 
    • And check out The Sponsors… dude

Enough Lingo… The Pics

The pictures that matter… because it’s about The LifeStyle and NOT The Laps
ok, that’s twisting the truth, just a bit.

More Pictures

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